– A Letter To Heaven-

Anthony, 

If I wrote a letter to heaven to tell you how much you are missed, would you be able to read it and know, your still loved here on earth? 

If I could send a letter to heaven to remind you that its been 7 long, excruciating months since you’ve taken your life. Would you be able to understand how devestated everyone is now that you’re gone. 

If you could read a letter written to you in heaven, I would tell you I wish I could go back in time and try to stop you from doing what you did. I would tell you you were worth it. I would tell you you were enough. I would tell you Bipolar was lying to you and we all loved you and needed you here. I would have gone to the hospital with you as I had so many times before and held your hand. I would have done anything to help you recover. 

If I could see you one more time before you went to heaven, I would wrap my arms around you so I could take you all in again; smell you and hear your heart beat while my head is pressed against you chest, feel your arms wrapped around my shoulders and your lips pressed against my head. 

But I can’t. I can’t go back. Because you are in heaven instead… 

So instead I’ll write you a letter and hope by some miracle it will get to you in heaven. So you will know you were enough. You were a great father, husband and best friend when you were well and Bipolar was not messing with your brain. It wasn’t your fault you couldn’t be here when you were ill. 

While you are in heaven, I hope you know how much I still love you. I hope you understand now the kids and I needed time to heal and you needed help. We all loved you so very much. The situation was temporary; it was never set in stone. 

In my letter to heaven, I need you to know I love you still. I need to say I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for the hurt I caused in our marriage. I know you forgave me, but I need to say it again. I’m so sorry. I know you are too. I need you to know I forgive you. 

I’d tell you in the letter how our children are doing. Our daughter is a ray of light; a symbol of hope. Remember how we picked her name? It fits. She misses you so very much, and she is thankful she had you as a father. I cried at her Christmas concert yesterday… I wish you had been there to see her. I told her how proud of her you would be. 

Our son is continuing to grow and find himself in this scary world. He’s talked about how he wishes he never would have sent you that text. He talks about how much he misses you and how he wishes things didn’t end like this. 

I’d tell you It’s Christmas. You should be here wearing your Christmas cap and making your wonderful eggnog. I’d tell you I miss our goofy dancing and play fighting in the kitchen while we are listening to Christmas music. 

If I could write a letter to heaven I’d tell you that though it hurts you are gone, it’s okay. It’s okay because though I believed in recovery for you, I also know how much you struggled daily. Maybe now you have found peace. 

In my letter to heaven I’d tell you I made a promise to you; I know you’ve heard my prayers and are listening. I will keep my promise; some things will take longer than others, but I will do my best. I’d also ask if you are proud of us, and finally, I’d tell you again how loved you are and how much we all miss you. 

In my letter to heaven, I’d wish you a merry Christmas Peter, and send all the love I have with pictures of our children… but I know you don’t need them because you can see them as they are. I love you, I miss you, I hope you can read that in my letter to heaven. 

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