What will happen….

It’s just me now. 

Just me.

What the hell was he thinking when he took his life? 

I’m going to need a moment to get angry. 

What went through his head when he decided to end his time here on earth? No more daddy, no more husband, brother, nephew and son. He just walked off the stage and left all his roles with cliffhangers that would continue to be just that. . . Cliffhangers. No goodbye, no final hugs, no bow to his beloved audience to acknowledge the show was done. No warning.

No apology to his children for walking of stage to soon. He left them with me. Just me. 

What was he thinking? 

Don’t get me wrong.  My support system is big, and strong and wonderful. The family and friends I have in my life are a blessing and have lifted me many times this past year. They are there to help me and our children through this, and they are the reason I have survived this trauma.

But at the end of the day, it’s just me.   Their mom.

The worst part? I am human. I could die. Today. Tomorrow. Three years from now. I am fragile.  

What would happen then? What would happen to the kids? How would they do without me? 

I sit on the couch after school/work someways; after I’ve picked our daughter up at the bus stop, walked home, done dishes( no dish washer in the rental) swept mopped and made dinner, and just watch them. Our daughter sitting at the kitchen table watching utube videos on how to draw before she gets ready for soccer practice and our son standing at the counter listening to the Ricky Gervais show while he gets ready for his evening out with friends. 

Do they know how fragile I am? 

It makes me panick. I used to be afraid of death. So much so I would avoid living. Now, I’m not afraid of death so much as leaving them behind when they are not ready. Or them leaving me. 

It makes my heart hurt and I have difficulty catching my breath. Am I totally fucking them up? Am I enough? Am I doing a good job at this parenting alone? What will happen to them if I’m not? 

I do what I can to take care of myself so I can be there for them. I’m eating healthier(oh how I miss chocolate chips), going to the gym a minimum of four days a week, blogging, and am in counselling. I do not drink alcohol often, and I do not use drugs. I take my anti-anxiety meds every night. 

What will happen if this is not enough? I know I don’t sleep enough and I certainly smoke way too much. I’m cutting back on caffeine to help with the sleep issue. But what if these changes aren’t enough? 

I’m scared. I feel lonely. He left me alone. And I don’t know what is going to happen. 

I have no control over any of the outcomes. I choose my attitude as best I can so the children will learn resilience but is that enough? 

I’m so angry at Bipolar right now. Fuck Bipolar. What will happen to my children if Something were to happen to me? Thanks a lot asshat Bipolar. Thanks for leaving me alone.  

I know I don’t have control over my future. I know all I can do is let go and give it to god. It’s not an easy task, especially after trauma. Especially after your husband dies. By Suicide. 

I once again have to remind myself to breathe and trust no matter what, those two of my babies will be ok. We will be ok. And just keep moving forward through the fear and know that even through our past experience and though We cant predict what will happen tomorrow we will be ok. There is no other option.

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3 thoughts on “What will happen….

  1. Hi,
    I want you to know that you blog is helping me navigate a very difficult time in my life so please keep writing. In so many of your posts it is like you are writing about my own life. My husband of 14 years and I are currently divorcing and he also suffers from bi-polar disorder (your blog actually helped me to confirm that is exactly what he has). Getting him to see it has been a challenge to say the least. He recently attempted suicide and is now finally seeking help. I hope he is able to overcome this. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and journey. It is helpful to those of us that are also on a similar one.

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    1. Lisa,
      First let me say I am sorry for all you have already been through. It’s not easy. I don’t know your story, or how it ended up in divorce, but loving and leaving someone with mental illness is not an easy thing; whether he made the decision or you did. Second, thank you for reaching out and sharing. I truly believe healing comes from sharing our stories and knowing I’ve been able to help one person was the purpose of staring this blog.
      Though I can only lean on my own experiences, I suspect you feel alone, scared, guilt and exhausted. Before Anthony was finally diagnosed, as you’ve read, I experienced blame, desperation and extreme stress within our marriage. I held everything in, and kept it a secret. Even after diagnosis. I contributed to the stigma for fear. Please make sure you get support through supportive and loving friends and family and counselling.
      I hope for him and for you he is able to overcome this. It’s a lifelong illness, but it can be managed with medication, therapy, supports and making positive life changes. Unfortunately it can take years. But his finally getting help is a first step.
      It is truly sad it takes severe depression or a suicide attempt for people to ask for help. It’s the nature of the illness. This must have been a very stressful time for you both.
      Message me, anytime. Sending love and strength ❤️

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      1. Thank you. I too am so very sorry for all you have been through. I feel your pain through your writing and it makes my heartache for you, for me and the others on similar journey’s. As I mentioned previously our stories share some similarities including my husbands name which is also Anthony. His addiction is gambling (a very serious one which has been financially & emotionally devastating). The lies, the loss, manipulation, betrayal and deceit are soul destroying. There is also blame from his family so I also had to cut contact for self preservation. Like you I tried everything to get him the help he needed and finally had to set up some boundaries including filing for divorce for my own mental well being and sanity. Like you I did not stop loving him but feel I lost my husband in a sense to this illness as he is no longer the man I married. I do feel all those things you stated and have for a long time. He was on meds and took himself off of them before. Hopefully now it seems he is starting to understand what is going on with him and takes his treatment seriously. I feel like I have done everything I can for him and now it is up to him. However, the guilt still comes. It is such a terrible and devastating illness. Thank you I am seeking help and have a good support system for the most part, although no one seems to understand why I stayed for so long. I think unless you have loved and lived with someone with the illness and experienced it first hand, you just don’t understand it. People seem to judge the persons actions separate from the illness that they are battling internally. Wishing you so much healing and yes you definitely helped at least one person by sharing your experience. I have learned a lot from your blog, so much gratitude for that.

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