May 16, 2016. 5:02 PM.
It’s been exactly three years. Another year of anniversaries, another year of learning, realizations and memories made since he passed away May 16th, 2016.
It’s been three years….
I remember the first six months I kept telling myself I just need to get to a year…. just make that year marker and you’ll be ok. I was so let down and disappointed when a year came and I still felt broken. I felt worse than I had ever felt because I had another year of anniversaries and firsts without him. The grief and pain didn’t magically disappear. It was the realization that he wasn’t coming back. This was my life. It was never going to go away.
Then year two came and went. I made changes. Hit some goals and made some more. I tackled finances. Joined a curling league. Visited friends. I did what I could to live and to move forward.
And now I’ve hit year three. I’m exhausted most of the time. I’m almost at my financial goals and am preparing to buy my own home … again. I’m trying to work on my physical health. I love watching my kids grow and change. It’s really a beautiful life I have.
But the grief is still there. It’s not worse or better, but it’s there. I don’t know if this is normal or ok. It just is I guess. Like the joy I have is blunted so slightly by the loss. I find myself saying ” I miss Anthony” at the most random times. It just hits and I can’t help it.
I haven’t let go of his Ashes. I’m not there just yet.
I wish I could’ve said goodbye on May 16th, 2016. I wish I could have told him ” before you take your life, please know, that your leaving is going to cause a lifetime of grief for those who love you.”
Because even ten years from now, the grief of his being gone will be there. It’s ALWAYS going to be there. Until the day I leave this world. It will be a lifetime of anniversaries and more firsts without him.
A lifetime… I suppose all I can do is keep going. Forward. Through. All I can do is keep his memory alive for the lifetime I have left. Three years down. A lifetime to go.
❤️
Forever Ours 